My wife observes that USC quarterback John David Booty should have been a baseball player. That way, he could eventually wind up playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Of course, there's always the NFL's Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Now, there's nothing specifically explicit about pirate's booty, but it gave us a laugh, so I thought we should report it here. Okay, actually, I just like saying booty. And so do the game's announcers, so it would seem.

One day, I'll be telling my grandchildren, "I remember the first time I saw Booty. Booty used to be smaller, thinner, back in the day. I used to love watchin' that Booty pushin' it up and down the gridiron. That Booty knows how to score. Now that same Booty's older, and doesn't move as well, but still gets the job done. I hope we can hold onto our Booty."

After 717 shows over five excruciatingly long years, Celine Dion is no longer inflicting her ear-shuddering shrieks upon visitors to Las Vegas. Yes. Toss flowers. Celebrate!

Since opening in March 2003, Dion's show, "A New Day ... " grossed more than $400 million and was seen by nearly 3 million fans. Dion said one fan had seen her Las Vegas show more than 100 times. Tickets for the final show were for sale on EBay for as much as $1,899.

Weep, friends, for the culture. Not only do we live in a country where people pay nearly two grand to listen to Dion's insufferable warbling, they will undoubtedly line up in droves to see the French Canadian's replacement ... Bette Midler.

A "new day," indeed.

Evidently, the authorities in Scranton, Pa. are unfamiliar with the latest research from Great Britain. I can't help but think that had Dawn Herb let loose with her "potty mouth" on the job, she wouldn't be facing disorderly conduct charges. But I could be wrong.

I liked the ACLU lawyer's quote in the story: "You can't prosecute somebody for swearing at a cop or a toilet." Hey! I know that reference!

Ok. So none of the contestants in the Miss Arab World pageant wore clothes that would permit the judges to see only their alluring eyes. But wonder of wonders! There actually is a Miss Arab World pageant and so far, as good as I can tell, the contestants' heads are still attached to their bodies now that the competition is over. Yet, from the look of things, I think even the 10th runner up in the Miss Parkway Center Mall pageant would place well here.

For your viewing pleasure, I give you, Miss Egypt!

AND, Miss Jordan!!

Aren't they lovely? How bout a nice round of stones for the ladies!

In fairness, Miss Libya is a real looker though she could show a little bit more enthusiasm.

Maybe she's a little worried about the impending fatwa.

The video of the tragically stupid Miss Teen USA contestant is making the rounds, which I won't link, but Rachel Lucas probably had the best analysis:

Last time I encountered anything so completely devoid of brains, I was eating it because it was a carrot.

JUDGE: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans cant locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because-uh some-uh people out there in our nation dont have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S, should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future."

First "24" goes green. Then it hires left-wing "comedian" Janeane Garafalo for the cast. From the looks of things, she'll visit CTU headquarters from "division" -- which means she'll be a Class-A a$$hole. I'm sure it won't be much of a stretch for Janeane. In real life, she'd be doing all she could to thwart the likes of a terrorist-fighting Jack Bauer -- like declaring on television that 9/11 was "an inside job." Now she gets to pretend to take part in our fictitious war on terror. Fun, fun, fun.

If anything, though, self-proclaimed "right-wing nutjob" Joel Surnow -- the creator of "24" -- is showing more tolerance than the supposedly open-minded liberals in Hollywood. Could you imagine Aaron Sorkin hiring Tom Selleck or Patricia Heaton to be part of the West Wing cast? Me, neither.

But I see the genius of Surnow's move. The audience is getting too used to seeing Jack slap a terrorist around, cut off his fingers, and dip him in a vat of hot oil. If Jack really wants to torture the terrorists, he can now just subject them to Garafalo's "comedy" routine.

Personally, I don't think I'd last more than 30 seconds before giving up my fellow damned dirty apes.

Honestly. I read this hysterical coverage of a goofy housewife who freaks out over a spent rocket launcher in her front yard and I think to myself, What's wrong with you people? Haven't you ever seen a disposable light anti-tank weapon before? We're at war, people! Gosh!

I mean, who among us doesn't have one?

It's not very effective to try to come on to your wife with a Mr. Garrison impression.

I've got to hand it to Ron Rosenbaum: these are about the finest 2,200 words of celebrity "journalism" bashing I've read in days, if not weeks. (Link fixed...apologies.)

Truth is, I haven't read "Esquire" in years something to do with the realization that I never cared much about the latest sports car, silk shirt or stainless steel nose-hair trimmer. But I'm half tempted to at least peruse the July issue to learn the identity of the hack who wrote, "in post 9/11 America, Angelina Jolie is the best woman in the world because she is the most famous woman in the world because she is not like you or me."

No, she is certainly not like you or me. She has way more tattoos, first of all. And she's slept with Billy Bob Thornton which should disqualify anyone as the best anything anywhere.

But I would say that passage tops this one (first paragraph) for over-the-top Esquire hilarity.

Rosenbaum makes a serious point about unserious journalism, though: "[D]oes anybody ever read this stuff? Does anybody take it seriously? Does the writer? It's the Emperor's New Clothes of prose. There's a certain sadness to it, as well. To paraphrase that line in 'Howl': I saw some of the best writers of my generation destroyed by celebrity profiling."

I guess whatever pays the mortgage. Even if there is a war on.

Paris Hilton, screaming for her mommy and yelling "It's not right" in a Los Angeles courtroom today was remanded back to jail.

Not that I'm enjoying another person's misery... Ok. I'm enjoying it a little bit. But only because Hilton and her family are being such snobs in all of this. On the night of the MTV Movie awards a few days ago, Hilton said on the red carpet that she fully accepted responsibility for her lawlessness and was ready to go to prison. And in prison, she was given special treatment right away no sharing the cell with another inmate, 24-access to the cafeteria, kinder treatment from the guards (undoubtedly on orders from the Lee "Star Whore" Baca, etc. And she breaks down in to hysterics after just THREE DAYS? It's hard to imagine such a sheltered, pampered lifestyle that a few days in the LA County Jail can seem to be the imagined horrors of Gitmo. A real horror would be subjecting the inmates to Paris Hilton's "singing" on her Paris album. (Torture masters at Gitmo, call your office).

While following this story is beyond a silly indulgence it's fabulously asinine distraction there are some serious issues of justice here. Hilton and her lawyers not to mention her family, doctors, and Sheriff Baca himself are making a mockery of the justice system. It is a good thing that the judge is being firm here and demanding that even "celebutantes" are subject to the law and the unpleasant machinations of justice.

And a doctor on Fox News made what I thought was a very good point. These doctors of celebrities and the wealthy make a mockery of the medical profession when they try to convince a court, and society, that their patient's shock of being introduced to the real world the "little people" live in causes a medically legitimate illness. There are people in LA County Jail right now who have cancer or some other fatal disease, and are dire need of serious psychiatric care. Yet there they sit, rotting in a cell.

Kelsey Grammer served two weeks in the LA County Jail for repeated drunk driving convictions with nary a complaint. Hilton should do the same.

I was thinking about Monkey David's comment about Paris being ugly. And yet, I've always thought, "ugly like a fox!" I can't quite explain it. I know she's a bit... odd looking, and yet there's a hotness there too. Perhaps it's the hotness that accompanies many things simply slutty. Perhaps it's the polished, tanned, good skin. These things can be hard to quantify or explain.

Then it hit me, not so much an explanation, but a weird connection; a parallel, a truism, if you will. I heard in my head a clip of dialogue from Fargo.

Hooker No. 1: Well, the little guy was kinda funny-lookin'.
Marge Gunderson: In what way?
Hooker No. 1: I dunno, just funny-lookin'.
Marge Gunderson: Can you be any more specific?
Hooker No. 1: I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised.
Marge Gunderson: Was he funny lookin' apart from that?
Hooker No. 1: Yah...
Marge Gunderson: So, you were havin' sex with the little fellow then.
Hooker No. 1: Uh huh...

Paris Hilton is the talentless female Steve Buscemi.

Paris Hilton was released from jail Thursday because of a medical condition that warranted her spending the rest of her 40-day sentence at home with a not-so-stylish monitoring bracelet. It is apparently not because of venereal disease. No, Hilton's shrink convinced a judge Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca that the strain of staying in a 12-foot by 8-foot cell for five three days was too much for her (or maybe it was because they were playing Brad Pitt's Troy on the communal television). She reportedly cried all night her first two nights in jail, and was forced to eat franks and beans for dinner and bologna sandwiches for lunch. The horror!

This stinks. I mean, really. Is five days three days in the poke long enough? How will Hilton's much anticipated journal of woe be more than a just a disappointing pamphlet now? All we'll have to remember this whole episode by is the glamorous mugshot above?

By the way, it took exactly 74 seconds for The Rev. Al Sharpton to cry racism. For once ... I can't believe I'm writing this, he may have a point.

Jail is no doubt a serious bummer that can cause much mental stress not to mention unwanted ... er ... amorous friendships. But by the Hilton standard, why not release everyone from jail and let them serve their sentences at home?

No doubt that in Paris' case, the invitation list for her lavish welcome-home party is already in the text-message ether. The martinis will flow like a champagne fountain for the can't miss event of the year.

Paris is out of jail, and normalcy will return to America.

UPDATE 2: Paris was reportedly released from jail because she was feared to be suicidal. Seriously. Five days in jail and the most spoiled woman on earth was thinking of killing herself? It's hard to know whether to make a joke about that fact, or just let it stand pathetically on its own.

The Brit tabloids say Paris "conned" doctors into letting her out. And a sign of Paris's supposed depression is that she was refusing to eat. Um....doc? Yeah. Refusing to eat is what Paris usually does. That's not depression. That's Paris ensuring that the pork and beans you feed her doesn't make her look fat. That wouldn't be "hot."

UPDATE 3: Paris has been ordered to come to court at 9:00 a.m. PDT this morning (Friday). Oh, the media frenzy is going to be something. I expect live OJ-chase-type coverage.

UPDATE 4: The media have staked out Paris' West Hollywood mansion both on the street and from the sky in choppers because she won't actually be coming to court at 9 a.m., but will participate in a conference call. Sheriff's are reportedly on the ready to take her back to jail.

UPDATE 5: Fox 11 News in LA reports that the LAPD have "essentially shut down West Hollywood." Blockades everywhere. This is sooooo silly. And Paris, when this is all over, will be even more famous and insufferable than ever. Ugh.

UPDATE 6: They've called off the conference call hearing. Paris will have to appear in person in court after all.

I can't believe it. I mean this is just a shock. Well, just last week, she just got out of rehab -- then went out partying for three straight days, then struck a pole with her car, then partied all night the next day. And now her lawyer drives her to rehab? That's just crazy talk.

In other news:

Paris Hilton is a slut.
The Yankees suck.
and Monkeys throw poo....

I've never much cared for Lew Rockwell or his arguments. But I always thought he was serious. Guess not.

For what it's worth, I don't think people are making fun of Paris Hilton for not wanting to go to jail. People are angry that an heiress and celebrity would presume to be above the law. But Rockwell doesn't much care for law -- the position of an anarchist, not a libertarian.

Because a whole lot of cops are talkin' shit. Word.

. . . you're not married to Astrobabe Lisa Nowak.

There is one crazy-ass pissed-off woman. 900 miles in a diaper so she didn't have to stop and pee.

Damn.

Yep. It's after 1:00 in the morning. I can't sleep, and I'm into another bottle of Emilio Moro 2001 Ribera Del Duero, so why not another link to a chick blogger.

Annika of Annika's Journal has apparently sold her soul to Satan and is attending law school. She seems bright and personable. Makes me wonder where her parents went wrong.

Anyway, she's an engaging blogger and does some interesting stuff with her "Journal." I just wish someone would explain Peter Pumpkin to me.

I get a kick out of this Minny Soda blogger: Feisty Republican Whore.

No, RobbL. That's not a link to the Shock Jock's site.

Feisty had a dream about John Kerry and even in her dream recognized him as a pissy little f**k. My kind of Republican Whore.

If "War of the Roses" has taught me anything, it's to watch out if she says she wants to see the bald avenger.

Hat tip: Rhino Brian

Damn.

I saw this on Fraters and followed the link. So some chick got engaged? They've never mentioned her blog before, that I know of. So what's the deal.

Then I saw this!

SONOFABITCH!!!

Congrats, "Saint"!!!

...there's always somebody out there that will make you feel better about yourself.

Okay, so I travel a lot for my job. I often fall asleep with the TV on. One day, a few months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and MSNBC was on. In my groggy state, I thought I was still asleep, because the anchor was this girl, who was a friend of my sister back in grade school.

I remember specifically, because she's the only girl who ever asked me to dance at those horrible Jr. High school dances. Since I was 13 at the time, the memory of her right boob pressing into my chest is permanently etched on my brain. The whole recollection is utterly embarassing now, because I'm sure I was completely paralyzed. Now, slow-dancing in Junior High is not a complicated process, but you're supposed to at LEAST sway back and forth to the music, and I'm almost positive I wasn't even able to manage that.

Being married with kids now does nothing to mute the latent feelings of humiliation and social ineptitude. However, THIS does:

I googled Cheryl's name, so that I could forward some link with pictures to my sister, and tell her what became of her friend. In the process, I found this link, some yahoo liveblogging 24-hour cable news coverage, raving about how CNN "scooped" MSNBC and FNC by - get this: SIX and EIGHT minutes, respectively, in their reporting of the death of Justice Rehnquist. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Seriously, people, is there a single person who saw the news on Fox and said to themself, "Eh, that's old news. CNN reported that eight whole minutes ago."

I shook my head and kept looking for a good link. A minute or two later, I stumbled across these idiots. All of a sudden, Mr. Eight Minutes seems remarkably grounded, because at least he's not in a chatroom with a half dozen other dorks who are all WATCHING 24-HOUR CABLE TOGETHER and chatting a collective critique of the various networks' performance.

So, Cheryl, I'm not feelling so insecure anymore. I still don't know how to dance, but thanks for asking. Jill says, "hi."

Lileks reports on his eight days without wife and child. I recently went through the same thing, except for seven days instead of eight. The difference? I drank a lot more. And I still had to work. And by "work," I mean I had to drive to my office each and every day. Except for one day I took off. But I can't tell you about it , because then I would reveal too much...

EU threat to Bavaria's buxom barmaids.

"Bavaria's buxom barmaids could be forced to cover up if a "loony" EU directive comes into force over levels of sun exposure. The proposals would force bosses to monitor how much sunlight their employees receive in a working day."

Smoking bans are bad enough, but Boob Bans?

Commie Bastards.

Friday the International Olympic Committe canceled baseball and softball as Olympic sports! At first, like any true blue, red blooded American, I was pissed! Damn commie pinko bastards! Sonsabitches cancel Baseball?! BASEBALL!

Then I read that softball great Lisa Fernandez (Three Gold Medals) laments"

I feel one person, the president of the IOC, a person from Europe, has taken it upon himself to ruin the lives of millions, actually billions of women.

Millions? Billions? Lives ruined? Oh, please. Now I don't care.

I am vacationing in sunny and warm Minnesota (I am not joking. It's warmer here right now than it is back home in Northern California!) and today I got to see what is probably the best team in any sport, at any level, right now: The University of Minnesota Gopher Women's Hockey team. The girls beat North Dakota* 7 to 0, to improve their record to 26-1-2. The Gopher gals are a machine and a thrill to watch. At times they are like a cat playing with a mouse. Anyone who really appreciates sports should catch this team in action.

Chelsey Brodt. Anya Miller. Allie Sanchez.

And the human highlight reel, Krissy Wendell. Goddamn is she fun to watch.

On a side note, apparently there is some L.A. radio shock jock here in town as well. Today, at 6:00 pm, he is at a book signing at the Barnes and Noble at the Mall of America. Some book about Blogs or some such nonsense. Can't say I've heard of him.

Me, off to see the Gopher Men blow another game to one of the weaker college hockey programs. You know guys, you can dominate puck possession all night on the ice, but if you don't put that little rubber think in the big net, you can't win. Go figure.

Thank god for the girls.

*At least two Minnesota colleges (Minnesota and St. Cloud State) refuse to idenitify the North Dakota team mascot: the Fighting Sioux. How PC. And childhish. Sad.

"Rule number one: Never, ever go out with somebody you work with. Unless you are dead."

There's nothing I can do Ben, it's over, it's out my control, you are asking too much of me. There is no way I can resist a blue-eyed red-head who also happens an English accent. English accent Ben-- I'm doomed:) Plus throw in the fact that I've been celibate for almost a year, I'm definately doomed. I will do whatever this girl tells me to do. If she told me get on an airplane fly to California shoot you with a hunting rifle, and bury your body in the desert, I'd do it. I'm that smitten. Now, I hope she never asks me to kill you Ben. But if she did, I'm only gonna tell you once: watch your back. You know the power of red-head Ben. They make us crazy.

For the record, any guy who says he has women figured out or is not "dense" when it comes to women is lying.

That's true to an extent, but I do have an advantage over other men, and that is I'm a photographer. How is that an advantage? I can read faces. And I can read eyes. It's a weird thing, but I basically see what people are thinking. I read recently they actually have classes where teach people how to do it. And the way I can tell if a woman likes me is by the size of her pupils. And if her pupils get big, my pupils get big.

I never been on a date, except my seiior prom, and I ended up making making out with two other girls who weren't my date. I'm kinda of the opinion that dating is a waste of time. I just sort of live my life as passionately as possible, knowing that life takes care of itself.

I was talking to Ex-Monkey Ben the day, and I more less said that this is happiest I've been in a long time. So it makes sense that suddenly women start popping out of the woodwork. It's a cliche, but the moment you stop looking and become blissfully unaware, that love appears.

Off to my second wedding reception (the first, with family, was last Saturday; tonight's is with close friends).

I promised to blog on all of this in the next few days, including some wine blogging for Professor Bainbridge .

Maybe, if on election day, we all pledged...

To Vote. To have sex*. To experience ... a Votergasm.

We'd all be a lot happier.

*Not amongest monkeys, infinite, finite, or otherwise.

I just switched off Michael Medved's show. He was interviewing two of the founders of a group called Mothers Opposing Bush (or MOB). The ladies were attempting to make the point (one of many, I might add) that mercury levels in tuna should be a more visible issue in the current presidential election campaign than it is. Because kids eat tunafish sandwiches, moms want their kids to eat food that's relatively mercury-free, and what not.

Now, here's why I turned off the radio: mercury levels in tuna may very well be a problem, but—and this is a big but—it's not as vital a problem as, say, beefing up America's intelligence capability in order to prevent a nuclear weapon from being detonated in the middle of a major U.S. city in the name of Allah. Get it? What does John Kerry say about that? I don't know, but his Senate record is less than stellar on the subject. On the other hand, if Kerry wants to run on the mercury-in-tuna issue, more power to him.

Take a look at MOB's website, particularly the reasons "why we oppose Bush." It's sophistry, for the most part. For example, under talking points about the war, they refer to a report from the far-left Institute for Policy Studies suggesting that the $121 billion spent so far on the Iraq campaign could have paid for the salaries of 3 million elementary school teachers or bought 678,200 fire engines. The problem? The federal government doesn't pay elementary school teachers' salaries, or buy firetrucks for cities and towns.

Another example: MOB refers to a National Education Association piece that criticizes the Bush Administration for failing to "properly implement and fully fund" the No Child Left Behind law. The problem? President Bush's FY 2005 budget proposal asks for $57.3 billion in education spending—"representing a 3 percent increase over 2004 and a 35.8-percent gain for education programs since the president took office," according to the U.S. Department of Education. In other words, George Bush makes Bill Clinton look like a cheapskate. (By the way, this is nothing for Republicans to crow about.)

I'm not a sexist, but sometimes I think the 19th Amendment was a bad idea.

At least, that's according to a couple of GOP operatives in today's New York Times (!):

President Bush's post-convention "bounce" shows that he has managed to invigorate many of his supporters. According to Gallup surveys, among likely voters, Mr. Bush increased his slight lead over Mr. Kerry (50 percent to 47 percent) in the days following the Democratic convention to a more comfortable margin (52 percent to 45 percent) just after the Republican convention. Other surveys also show that Mr. Bush's lead has widened.

What accounts for this change in Mr. Bush's fortunes? According to our research, the answer is simple: women.

At the heart of this election is this question: what kind of man do you want in the White House? This guy? Or this guy?